You know the phrase: “when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.” In my case, I went shopping and found a lemon print dress at Banana Republic on sale for $45. It was a bit snug on me but gosh darn it, it’s going to fit and I’m going to look fabulous! This dress was the perfect answer to what I’ve been through during the last two weeks. So I saw it fitting (pun intended) to write about what I’ve been going through and to tell the world about it. We took these pictures in front of the new closed Scoozi restaurant. We loved this restaurant. We would order take out from him when I was on maternity leave and didn’t have the energy to cook. It was such a kid-friendly neighborhood restaurant. Luke finished his first plate of pasta here.
If you just want to enjoy the pictures, you can stop here. If you want to hear about my last two weeks, you can read after the pictures.
Charlie and I had Luke about 10 months after we got married. We were trying but not really trying and were surprised to be expecting so soon after we got married. At the time, I wasn’t ready for a baby but looking back, I am so grateful that we were able to conceive so easily. And I can’t imagine my life without Luke.
About a year ago, we were ready to try for another baby. We wanted Luke to have a companion for life… and I always wanted lots of kids. Because it was so easy before, we thought it shouldn’t take that long. Well, it’s been a year. In late March, I found out I had a miscarriage at my 8-week checkup, a blighted ovum to be exact. I never heard of such thing. We were shocked and sad. I cried leaving the doctor’s office, walking to the car, in the car, and on my bed for days. I felt that my innocence was taken away from me. This wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I wasn’t sure if I could ever go through something like this again. The doctor assured me that I could get pregnant again. My mom told me not to give up, believe in God, and pray. And Charlie…he held me, told me everything will be okay, and helped with the housework as I laid around like a vegetable.
So we tried again and were so happy to find out we were expecting. But two weeks ago, we found out at the 8-week appointment that I had another miscarriage. There was an embryo this time but no growth. I was mentally prepared for this news. Didn’t cry much at the doctor’s office. Told my husband I wanted to go shopping after finding out about it. Well…the emotional roll coaster hit me the very next day. I cried. I bawled my eyes out. Asking God why. Wondering what’s wrong with my body, what’s wrong with me? What did I do to deserve this? How could it be that I could have two miscarriages in a row? (This isn’t common based on my unprofessional internet research). It was especially hard as we found out about the miscarriage right before the Fourth of July. We had parties to go to and family over. It was exhausting to mask my sadness but I felt I had to. I didn’t want to dampen anyone’s summer holiday spirit by talking about it at a party.
But, one of the hardest things to do about having a miscarriage is telling your family and close friends you’re no longer pregnant (not at parties, of course). Everyone was very sorry and incredibly supportive, especially the friends who have had miscarriages before. These are the women who give you those big, long, meaningful hugs. It’s like a secret sisterhood. They can’t say they know you how to feel but they definitely know how you feel (I hope that made sense). Through this process, I found it surprising that many women have had miscarriages but don’t talk about it…how we all continue with our lives without letting a lot of people know what happened…how we hide the tears behind our smiles. I wanted to write this post to talk about my experience and maybe it will help with my healing process.
During the past two weeks, I’d burst out crying just thinking about it. It could be anywhere. And it’s hardest when it happens at work or at home in front of Luke. I especially do not want to cry in front of him. I don’t want him or Charlie to see me sad. I’m supposed to be the happy, solid person in the family. But Charlie has told me it’s okay to cry. So I do. (I’m crying as I type this.)
This miscarriage is harder than the first as I feel my chances of getting pregnant again are very slim. My recovery after the D&C has been physically harder than the first one. After my first D&C, I was up and painting our house. After this last D&C, I felt weaker and was told not to lift anything or pick up Luke. It’s hard not to pick up my baby when he’s asking you to. It’s been a challenge physically but I hope it’s temporary. I hope the emotional roller coaster is temporary, too. Some days I forget about it and some days, it’s all I think about. I start feeling sorry for myself. Then I remind myself about what my mom has told me — That prayer brings us closer to God. And God will never leave us empty. I do pray every night. I pray that God hears my prayers and the prayers of all the other women we are praying for a child.
To bring this post to a full circle…Charlie knows that shopping makes me happy. Before and after my D&C last week, he told me to go shopping..to buy clothes that make me happy. He is a such a wonderful husband. He has stayed calm throughout this whole process. He is keeping the household together while my mind is scattered, and I’m forever grateful.
My shopping led me to this dress. Like I said before, it fits a bit snug but when I put it on, it makes me feel refreshed and energized. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me how to deal with life’s lemons. I can take the negative route and be sour about what has happened to me or I can be re-energized for a fresh start. I’m looking forward to the day that I can have another child, to grow our family, to see Luke’s endless love for his sibling, to feel my love grow, and to make my life with Charlie everything I dreamed of. If we don’t hope, we don’t grow, right?
I didn’t write this post so you can feel sorry for me. I just wanted to tell you how it felt like to go through multiple miscarriages. Everyone deals with their miscarriages differently. I’m using my blog as a way for me to heal.
So, when life gives you lemons, go shopping…and find a lemon print dress that makes you feel refreshed and fabulous. Then go take pictures with it and share it with the world.
If you made it this far, thanks for reading.