What Valentine’s Day Means To Me

valentinesday

Growing up and even into adulthood, I never really enjoyed celebrating Valentine’s Day. Well, I do remember how much I loved getting cards in grade school  from my classmates but it wasn’t until middle school that I gave the “holiday” an eye roll or two. I figured I’d outgrew it and the holiday felt too commercial for me.

When Charlie and I first dated, he sent me a dozen roses….to the office! Although, it was very considerate of him to do so and I was very thankful for the beautiful bouquet, I told him that he didn’t have to because I wasn’t a big fan of Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want to make the holiday a big deal. He was somewhat happy to hear that…he hasn’t sent me flowers on Valentine’s Day since and we didn’t really celebrate it.

That all changed after we had Luke. Something happened to me after I had him. My perspective of the world changed. I express my love more openly. I want to find every reason to tell and show Luke that I love him, even on Valentine’s Day. I feel like I’m more emphatic. So if someone wants to celebrate the day for whatever reason, they should! Now our Valentine’s Day tradition is to get lobster tails from Whole Foods and celebrate at home. We buy Valentine’s Day crafts to make for Luke’s daycare friends….and Luke and I even wear matching shirts that says “Je T’aime” on it. It has been fun celebrating the holiday through his eyes.

But since 2015, Valentine’s Day will always be bittersweet for me. If I hadn’t miscarried, our baby would have been due on February 14, 2015. It was hard to celebrate last year because I kept on thinking how I would be celebrating the baby’s 1 year birthday. And how perfect it would’ve been to have a baby born on Valentine’s Day, knowing that both Charlie’s dad and niece were born on Valentine’s Day. That would have been a great coincidence. But it never happened.

I still wonder how it would be like to have Luke around with a sibling. It makes me sad thinking about it. But this year, I refuse to celebrate with sadness. I’m learning to move one and with every Valentine’s Day, I hope to mend my broken heart and fill it with the love I have right now.

So starting this year, I celebrate for Luke and our Valentine’s Day baby. For everyone else who has suffered from a miscarriage, I hope your day is filled with the love around you and with that love, I hope your heart is on the mend too. Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “What Valentine’s Day Means To Me

  1. Rebecca Plotnick says:

    I wish I could give you a hug right now! I know this day has to be hard. There is no right way to cope for a miscarriage and I don’t have experience so I could never tell you what is right or wrong. What I do know is that you love Luke so much and you are an amazing mother. Sending you lots of love and I hope that your heart is on the mend with all the love you get from Luke and Charlie. xo

  2. laurenkahan says:

    Oh, Leyla…

    I just typed out a long winded rambling comment, but really it doesn’t matter and it went on forever, so I deleted.

    All that to say…Big hugs to you! Luke is so lucky to have you as a Mom, and Charlie is one lucky guy too!

    xx

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

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